Wednesday, 2 May 2012

This is NOT where I want to be...

…there, I’ve said it!

Those of you that are friends over on facebook (I’m kidding myself here that there are people other than those that read this!) will have seen my status yesterday and the ensuing bullying discussion that went on…

‘Claire Rudkins really doesn’t know why the f**k she bothers!’

This related to an incident at work and was the culmination of many things that have been bubbling since Christmas.

The long and the short of the comments that followed was to basically say – ‘GET IT SORTED THEN!’

I know it’s down to me, I know I don’t get any second chances at this life, I know I don’t want to look back full of what ifs, I know no-one else can make the changes or decisions for me, I know, I know, I know…but…and here’s the problem – it’s not that simple, is it?

I am coming to a natural crossroads (well it’s more like a spaghetti junction). My secondment is due to end on 6th Jan 2013, (that’s basically 8 months away) at which point I can go back to Devon where my employer will try to slot me back into a job but can’t guarantee it or I can resign and find my own job and stay where I am or go somewhere else completely. I am trying to sell my flat and move into rented accommodation to make my next move easier but with the market like it is at the moment it’s not proving very successful so far.

My intention had always been to see the Olympics through so I could say I was involved and pocket the money as my current position is pretty well paid in the current climate but at the moment I’m not sure I can last another 8 months!  I like my job, at least I used to! Our team has grown in the run up to the Olympics and there are certain members that aren’t really integrating very well. It’s leading to a lot of whispered conversations, back stabbing and general nastiness. I kind of hoped that most people grew out of those sorts of practices when they left school but apparently not!  Through differing circumstances my line manager and original boss have either left or are leaving soon and that will leave me to ‘fight’ my corner on my own.  We are meant to be one big happy unit but I think the sooner everyone admits this just isn’t the case and probably never will be the better!

I have lodged my CV with a company that may have something for me but there are a lot of variables there so I can’t bank on it!

I applied for a job at EPCOT (Disney) for a year but didn’t even get past the internet application stage (at least I tried!)

J’s advice was ‘(a) Decide what you want to do next on this adventure called 'life', (b) set yourself a timescale to achieve it, (c) get on with it. That is all

It sounds so simple put like that but at the moment I don’t know the answer to a!

What do I want to do next and where do I want to do it?

I read blogs of people who have dropped everything and gone off travelling, started their own company etc etc but they all knew that was what the wanted/needed to do. I have no idea, all I know is that this isn’t it! I want to wake up raring to get on with the day, be that a job I love, a place I haven’t explored yet, people I’ve yet to meet. At the moment I get up with a sinking feeling of ‘here we go again’.

This is NOT where I want to be – but how do I work out where I DO want to be?


  1. Totally understand where you're coming from. I had made a load of plans that now , due to circumstances out of my control, are gone. And I'm left here wondering what the fuck to do now. Its scary, especially on your own.
    H x

    1. We'll have to take the journey together!! xx

  2. Instead of thinking here we go again, where do I want to be, have you tried thinking 'How can I make where I am right now good/fun?' Make a list of things you want to do outside of work, as after all we work to live not the other way round! Then, save up and do them, using work as a means to an end. I am of the opinion that there are some very fortunate people out there who LOVE their jobs, but that is not the case for the majority of people I'm sure.

    Just something to think about...

    1. I've been doing that for a while but there comes a point where it just doesn't cut it any more and the underlying issue needs fixing rather than just patching!